Never underestimate the need for good communication skills...

When negotiating ransom for a cell phone, it's important to stand your ground...just as a Lancaster, PA ne'er-do-well did when he demanded $185,000 from his purse-snatching victim for her phone's safe return.

He settled for $200 -- and an arrest.

Click HERE for story.

I take thee, Sluggo ...

OK, we all know men don't ask for directions, but how long do ya have to hold a grudge? Violence erupted at 36,000 feet when a newly-wed husband, having squabbled over bungled driving directions for hours on end with his bride, decided to end the argument ...

by punching her in the face on their Air Tran flight?!?!?!

I do NOT!

I'm awaiting the inevtiable cry from the bride of, " But Mama, I luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv 'im!"

Click HERE for story.

Defending the Caveman

Well, shut mah mouth ... and open theirs! Could cavemen really speak? Scientist think so after scouring through ancient DNA.

This explains my ex-husband's ability to say "football" and "Cheetos."



Click HERE for story.

Having a potty mouth will cost you...

A Scranton woman's wallet is $300 lighter today after being fined for cussing-out her overflowing toilet. Not to mention a possible 90-day jail sentence for her potty mouth.

Click HERE for story.

If at first you don't succeed in marriage, try and try again (x9)

Eight wives ... 67 children.

Dear sweet lord. All I can think about is the alimony.

Abu Arrar, a Israeli Bedouin, is contemplating the addition of wife #9 to his fold. Now, he hasn't actually divorced any of the other 8, but he has officially renounced 7 of them.

Which ... uh ... makes it OK?

Click HERE for marital bliss.

Dashboard Confessional, Chocolate Jesus

Catholics across the world were pissed in April of this year when artist Casimo Cavallaro unveiled his anatomically correct chocolate sculpture of Jesus Christ.

Coincidentally named "Sweet Jesus," the piece will be back on display on the 27th of October in a Chelsea art gallery following the hubub earlier in the year.

I wanna break me off summa dat!

Click HERE for story.

Both hand where I can see 'em, buddy!

A Spokane, Washington man is under arrest this morning for allegedly taking a van from a local Chrysler dealership for a test(icles) drive.

One word: ew.

Click HERE for story.

Yes, it's true. You can make Shine-ola from Shit.

Florida ... not just for snowbirds anymore. It's possible that they will be the first state to have manure converted into electricity. I wonder if the conversion plant will be able to use jack shit as well.


Click HERE for story.

A leg (hair) up on the competition

Man, let me tell you. Nothing is sexier than long leg hair on a man! This guy is taking it to record-breaking extremes. Cuddle me? Don't miss this one ... there's a video.

Click HERE for story.

Alex, I'll take the Nobel Prize for 100-to-one

Bookies are sweating bullets since Al Gore just picked up the Nobel Prize. All he has to do now is win the Presidency for a tidy little payoff for some gamblers.

Click HERE for story.

Y'all gots the cooties ...

It is advise by Congress that, prior to attending any NASCAR race, people receive the proper innoculations.


Click HERE for story.

Wanna get laid? Pray for snow.

Denver is reporting a baby boom about nine months following the blizzards that hit the city.

Score!

Click HERE for story.

You're pulling my leg! NO! It's MY leg!

A South Carolina man may just have to accept a joint custody ruling on his leg. There's someone in North Carolina who ants it, too.

One word: ew.

Click HERE for story.

There's no hugging

An Illinois middle school has put the kibosh on hugging. It's apparently making students late for class.

Instead, they've instituted a "heavy-petting" policy which, as we all know, can be completed in record time.

Click HERE for story.

Godzirra! Oh, wait...sorry. Just a Loch Ness.

Pappa's got a brand new bag in China. Check out the Loch Ness monsters in Tianchi Lake!

Click HERE for story.

Well, Santa Claus he ain't!

Oktoberfest celebrant gets himself in a 12-hour jam: a neighbor's chimney.

How do you say "oof" in German?

Click HERE for story.

Two-face, green-bellied....

Which way did he go?

A Pennsylvania pet store had paid an undisclosed sum for a rare conjoined-twin turtle.

Wonder if he paid double...

Click HERE for story.

"All I'm saying is, you could learn or thing or two from my other wife..."

Snip and tuck was a Malaysian woman's response to her husband's praise of his other wife's sexual prowess.

Click (snip?) HERE for story.

This be crazy. Register to vote!

"Childrens do learn," says President G.W. Bush.

(insert expletive -here-)

Click HERE for (appalling) story.

It was JUST a nibble...

Here ... hold my child. With your mouth. (WTF?!?)

Click HERE for story.

Case of foot-in-mouth averted...

A Maiden, NC man got more than he paid for at a recent restaurant equipment auction: an amputated human foot!

Click HERE for story.

Suspect has "bad attitude and a loincloth" (WTF?)

St. Clairsville, OH police had a bit of a shakeup this week when they received a disturbance call. Suspect was described as wearing a loincloth.

I've always found that it's better to have a positive attitude when wearing a loincloth. After all, if you're going to look ridiculous, you might as well embrace it!

Click HERE for story.

"If I only had a....Yankee?"

Apparently, rookie hazing is a tradition in major league baseball.

I just call it Halloween.



Click HERE for story.

SOLD! Nerd auction at Washington State U.

WSU geeks are looking to have their ride pimped in exchange for some cold, hard cash. Nerds are auctioning themselves and their tech-savvy off to sorority girls at WSU in exchange for a makeover and ... maybe a date?

Click HERE for story.

Girls Gone Wild! Cops bust-up brawl at Chuck E. Cheese...

Pizza and skee balls weren't the only things flying at a family pizza hangout in Gulfport, Mississippi.

Obviously, pizza and hormones don't mix.

Click HERE for story.

Not kosher: group drops it's bid for "Jew Tube"

A Jewish-oriented group based in New York has dropped its bid for trademark on "Jew Tube."

Perhaps they're going to opt for JAP's GONE WILD instead?

Click HERE for story.

Beijing says take your Starbucks and shove it!

Starbucks has been forced out of the Forbidden City by public outcry.

I guess this means I'll have to have one of those "domestic" lattes, now.

Click HERE for story.

Talk about caloric costs!

If you're ready to pony-up $14,500, a Sri Lankan resort definitely will let you have your cake and eat it, too. They're serving-up the world's most expensive dessert. No one has bitten the proverbial bullet, however, and put up the dough yet.

Click HERE for story.

Turn left at bacon.

This little piggy went to market.

This little piggy...didn't?

Oy.

A Las Vegas freeway got a livestock makeover last Friday when a truck hauling hogs (inret irony here) to the slaughterhouse overturned, killing 47 would-be-breakfasts.

Click HERE for story.

Ummm...we were just leaving. In handcuffs.

As copper wire thefts are on the rise nationwide, and two would-be burglars got a bit more than they'd bargained for:

A room full of police officers.

Click HERE for story.

The law according to Dr. Seuss

A disgruntled judge issues his ruling Seuss-style after receiving a hard-boiled egg in the mail from a pissy prison inmate.

I can only hope the egg wasn't green by the time he received it.

Click HERE for story.

NEWS FLASH! God Responds to Law Suit

... and please direct all inquiries to my attorney in Corpus Christi, TX.

Agnostic Nebraska Senator Ernie Chambers is getting more than he bargained for after suing God earlier this week.

God responded to the allegations.

Click HERE for story.

Vegetable Violence

Stop the madness already! Domestic violence is appalling enough as it is. Do we have to involve produce?

On a sick note, I wonder if it made her cry.

Click HERE for story.

A Snowball's Chance in Oregon

It's true: you can legally gun-down a deer in Oregon.

But you sure as hell can't treat one that's injured ... y'know, be humane and shit. Just ask Jim Filipetti and his state-seized pet deer, Snowball.

Click HERE for story.

When life gives you lemons, find a religious icon!

She's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Virgin Mary sighted in lemon in Watuga, Texas.

Well, yee-haw.

Click HERE for story.

How about "I Choose to Rear-End Your Vehicle" plates?

An anti-abortion group in Arizona would like to take their message mobile. "Choose Life" license plates could be found on the rear-ends of AZ motorists in the future.

At least they'll be easy to pick out. Sometimes those fish-symbol things are hard to see from a distance.

Click HERE for story.

Piss on it (and send it to YouTube?)

A 27 year-old UK man (henceforth to be referred to as "dipshit") sought to revive a fallen woman by urinating on her, splashing her with water, and covering her with shaving foam.

Dipshit was heard to exclaim," This is YouTube material!" prior to embarking on his marijuana-enhanced exploits.

Click HERE for story.

Parents "go green" with new infant

When reporting that their child was experiencing breathing problems, Chinese parents were relieved to find out the cause ... it's just grass! (growing on their baby's lung)

Click HERE for story.

Mr. Whippy to your emotional rescue

If you're depressed on account of being overweight, you'd best stick to Weight Watchers and therapy. However, others could consider counseling by Mr. Whippy, a new ice cream machine that doles-out frozen therapy by sensing your mood...

(wtf?!?!?)

Click HERE for story.

Your balls could cure cancer...

Yes, that's correct gentlemen. Your nuts could be considered scientifically nuturing! Researchers have discovered that stem cells obtained from your ... er ... scrotum region could hold life-saving potential.

Click HERE for story.

Is that a dildo in your sausage or are you just happy to see me?

"Schwartenmagen" is German for smuggling...well, kind of.

Apparently, the customs laws in Dubai are a bit strict, prompting a German man to hollow-out two large German sausages to smuggle a dildo or two into the UAE.

Take about a game of "hide the salami!"

Click HERE for story.

Ride the SLUT!

No, it's not bathroom stall grafitti. It's a new neighborhood slogan in Seattle.

Click HERE for article.

Immaculate conception not just for Christians

After for years of celibacy, Twilight is a proud mother.

Jesus would be proud.

Click HERE for story.

This ain't no Virgin Mary effigy on grilled cheese, but...

we appreciate you, President Ford.

Gull Meadow Farms in Richland, Michigan, wants to let everyone know how much they appreciate the late President Ford ... with a tribute in corn maze.

Click HERE for story.

I'll be there in a moment. I just need to dislodge my flamingo.

Please note that all carry-on luggage must fit securely in the overhead bins or under the seat in front of you.

That means YOU, Jack Hanna!

Mr. Hanna, director emeritus of the Columbus Zoo, seems to have gotten his avian cargo lodged in a turnstile at the Columbus Airport.

I tell ya, I'd be pissed if a flamingo were holding up security at the airport.

Click HERE for story.

To the Bat-Bong!

C'mon, now...you can't fool the cops in THAT outfit!

Click HERE for story.

I take Thee...and Thee...and Thee... AND Thee?

Man, we think it's tough to keep up with what the Oval Office is doing!

Murtala Nayako, a Nigerian Governor, has told all FOUR of his wives "Can't we all just get along?" and states that they ALL hold the status of First Lady. Apparently they're arguing with one another as to which one is the Real Slim Shady.

I think it's time to call the Mormons to arbitrate.

Click HERE for story.

Take My Daughter, Please...(Just kidding. Well, kind of.)

Ever wonder just what to do with that pesky 14 year-old daughter of yours that's a little bit "uppity" yet a bona-fide Martha Stewart? Well, if you're like the pragmatic parents who have been visiting MarryOurDaughter.com, you're putting them up for auction.

I now realize that my personal "going rate" has been entirely too low. Dammit!


Click HERE for story.

Puke Now, Pay Later

Living without a net (or health benefits)? Well, here's a safety line for the uninsured/underinsured/insurance-apathetic out there.


Puke now and pay later with new health insurance options. Apparently, it's now possible to become violently ill without insurance and get a healthy Hail Mary at the 1 yard line for your medical bills. American Community Insurance's "Coverage on Demand" lets its policyholders contract typhoid fever and dole out the dollars for catastrophic coverage after the fact.

I guess hindsight really IS 20/20!



Click HERE for story.

Belgium For Sale (Free Delivery)

Got a beef with your motherland? Take a stand!

A disgruntled Belgian placed his country for sale on eBay...and got $14M for it.


Click HERE for story.

Jailbait

For all you math whizzes out there:

catfish bait + vinegar = heroin.

(WTF?!??!)

Click HERE for story.

The Defense Calls Our Lord and Savior to the Stand...

Don't you threaten Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers! He'll sue you.

Just ask The Almighty.

I wonder if He'll have any trouble finding parking at the courthouse...

Click HERE for story.

Bring Us Your Tired, Your Poor...Your Pregnant?

It's official. We need babies and we need then NOW.

Recent news stories out of both Russia and Canada state that not only are we willing to dole-out dough for offspring, but we won't be undersold, either! So go forth....and multiply.

(actual baby must be presented to receive check)


Click HERE for Canadian story.
Click HERE for Russian story.

How Much Is That Wallaby in the Window?

It's clear. We should all be terribly afraid of an 18-inch tall Roo when he's on the loose.

Exotic dancers? Okey dokey.

Exotic animals? Oh, hell no.

Don't get me wrong---I'm all for exotic things, but the City of Wichita begs to differ.

Joe Freed, a resident of Wichita, Kansas, has prompted the City to consider a potential ban on wallabies as pets after his 10-month-old pet wallaby sprung itself from its domestic pokey last week and hopped-off on a city excursion.

Ownership of an exotic animal in Wichita is a ticketable offense, but there's currently no verbiage that addresses marsupials. (clearly an oversight on the City Council's part) The Tammar Wallaby (native to Australia) ain't no pound puppy, though --- with a price tag of $1000 to $5000 each, I think Mr. Freed should keep a better eye on his companion. I mean, I have 2 cats from a shelter in Japan that cost me $40, and I freak out when I can't find one for an hour.


Click HERE for story.